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We were in first class but really, what does that mean in the UK? You get a seat that reclines an extra inch and the steward throws you a croissant ten minutes after boarding. We arrived into Kings Cross exactly on time and immediately headed over to Left Luggage to hand over our noe belongings and give the woman behind the counter plenty of time to rifle through our medications and hold our boxer shorts up to the light.

Fucking hell London, you so expensive. Paul, to his credit, only rolled his eyes to the back of his head eighty seven times. Our first stop was a quick ride on the cable car over the Thames.

We nipped off and into the A experience, which was a tiny museum dedicated to Airbus planes. I noted his unkempt hair and dirty trousers and genuinely thought — for the first time in my life — that poor bloke needs someone to love him and tidy him up.

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Was London going to leave me with permanent wrinkles from all the time I spent trying not to gag? We, sadly, left rather quickly. We decided at this point to collect the luggage and head to our jeeds instead for holiday bumfun and room service. I wish I could say that we chose a wonderful boutique hotel somewhere charming, but we actually spent the night at the Thistle Hotel at Heathrow Airport, which is Sloppy want to sex chat needs sloppy hoe much a place where middle-aged stationery salesmen go to badly fuck Charlotte cam sex secretaries in a mist of regret and Joop.

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From gifts to travel expenses, you're already spending plenty around the holidays. I anticipate the end of everything and anything -- a conversation, a class, track practice, darkness -- hie to be left with more clock-watching to take its place. I'm continually waiting for something better that never comes.

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Maybe it would help if I knew what I wanted. The only difference between then and now is this: I'm going to elope.

Just me, my hubby, and a minister on a beach in Jamaica. I can't believe I just wrote that.

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That way I could live the rest of my life in bliss, if only because I know how much worse things could be. I'll read it to you," he said.

He cleared his throat.

I'm breaking up with you. Marcus Flutie was shocked by something I said.

Where do you get off saying," I lowered my voice, "we'll be naked without shame in paradise? Who do you think I am?